The roosters drew me to my window where I saw a pink and lavender sky,
smudgily covered with the pastels of a beginner art class.
I smile and remember aching for your first touch--
aching for your presence in my home, my bed.
I smile and prefer this dream to any cheap vision sleep could offer me.
...I love you.
What a lovely thought
Of visions and embracing.
Desire is a funny and wonderful thing
Something that can be felt
It has a physical component to it
My desire for you is an all consuming thing
It nourishes me
It fills me
It drives me
To you.
My desire for you is as vast as the ocean
but I wear it close, like a cloak--
lined with the satin of your love--
and I revel in the feel of it against my skin.
************
Those were my waking thoughts, sent to my love, and his reponse.
God bless the magical age of text messaging!!!!!
The kids and I (and two of my dearest girl friends) are heading out tomorrow night to drive to San Diego...
from which we will depart for a quick little 4 night cruise to Meh-hee-co!
I'm so friggin excited.
We found some super cheap tickets and just thought, what the hell, ya know?
I wanted to take the kids on a cool vacation for two purposes: to spend quality time together and to celebrate making it on our own.
They don't have to know about that second one. Hehe.
The day after we return from the cruise, my True Love will arrive and spend a few days with us before joining me for the drive to Maine--
ROAD TRIP!!!!!
It's something I've been wanting to do for, like, EVER and who better to do it with (heh-heh, i said "do it") than my best friend, true love?
And, just for anyone keeping score out there, or anyone wondering if I know what I'm talking about...well, I've certainly never dated anyone I could call a soul mate before.
Yes, I met him a bit sooner than I would have chosen--ink was barely dry on the divorce decree when our online flirtations took a serious turn.
Definitely not what I had in mind.
I figured a couple of years of dating adventures and THEN I would hope to find The One.
But I got lucky.
I got extraordinarly lucky.
And here he is.
A match for me in every conceivable way.
(did you just say "inconceivable"? I do not think that means what you think it means.)
Anyway...
life is grand.
He even lives in my hometown.
Where I've been yearning to move with an urgency to match my desire for a soul mate!
What could be a more perfect combination???
So, we'll drive across the great expanse of this gorgeous country of ours (at four markedly UNgorgeous dollars per gallon) and spend 2 months there with my boys (who will arrive by big ole jet airliner shortly after we do) and his boys and feel what it's like to be A FAMILY.
We are already each other's family.
We adore each other's kids and parents and friends.
Dudes.
He went to my parents' house OF HIS OWN VOLITION just to introduce himself!!!
Because he was jumping for joy at how friggin awesome their daughter is and couldn't stand to wait another moment to tell them so.
We will hang a hammock-for-two between those two giant trees next to the pond and we will snuggle there on sticky afternoons, listening to the buzz of the unknown insects and teasing each other until zippers fly and trees rock and
we are glad there are no neighbors.
Also, I plan to continue with college and continue with writing and I am the luckiest woman alive!
Happy Summer, All!!!
I do plan to chronicle my roadtrip here, but who knows...
Also, anyone living along I-70 who wants to meet me and/or let us sleep on your couch, email me.
notsoluckystar AT gmail DOT com
Bored Housewife: Sweet Freedom
Tuesday, May 20, 2008 at 8:27 AM
Morning Would
|
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 6:15 AM
I started a post once with:
"I am in Maine
I am in pain
I want to fall
in love
again."
....I am in Maine, but I am not in pain
because I have.
I have fallen in love for the last time.
I have found my true love, my soul mate.
But, as usual, I am angst-ridden and poem filled.
So, yay for THAT.
Haha.
Here's what I wrote last night:
I was afraid I might drown
but instead
it seems I am learning the butterfly stroke
which sounds prettier than it looks,
and is stronger than its name implies.
I am stronger than its name implies, too.
...although, somehow...it seems that I protest too much,
like the time Shakespeare said that.
To declare my strength is shouting it to my own deaf ears,
shouting it to a world with only four senses.
I am lost, and I am found.
But I can't stop spinning as I sit so still
hoping no one notices the way my smile has slipped
from the grip
in which I held it so tightly
for so long.
Remind me...
whisper into that part of my mind that holds memories
and tell me that I don't have to prove anything
and I don't have to be
any
one
other than myself.
I am still shedding the baggage I acquired during that ten year stint up the river.
In shackles,
behind bars,
or in pubs, or what have you....
You get the idea, you hear me, you smell what the Rock is Cookin'
...and yes, it might be lobster. :)
Tonight I am home in more ways than I can count.
I am content in more ways than I've ever imagined.
But.
I am, most definitely, at a place called Vertigo--
I know which way is up, but I can't seem to find it;
I know where I am, but I can't find the light switch.
My heart is still so full it aches, but there are moments when I can't breathe--
moments when it all turns upside down and I wonder where I fit in,
wonder how this will play out over a lifetime.
Wonder if I'm enough,
And in all of this wondering...
I forget to remember the most important part:
We are a perfect match,
like two halves of the same whole,
like one plus one equals one
like my heart in his chest
and his thoughts in my head
and I chide myself for forgetting to remember those (most important) things.
Those things which are all that I have sought,
for all the years I've been aware of my heart's design.
Silly girl...
did you also forget, so soon?
Did you forget how much your soul craves a pure outlet?
Ah.
Yes.
Time for a new blog, eh?
Time for a new blog.
Will you ever stick with any blog with the determination and love that you rode like a surfer's paradise on the original?
Prolly not.
But that's ok.
****
I am having fun here, but it's not all fun and games.
Anything that is actually worth having takes some work, so I can dig it.
I would like to get my voice back, minus the guilt.
Good thing there is no guilt allowed in this house of love.
This man is so good and so kind and so accepting.
Also?
Great in bed.
:D
|
I am in pain
I want to fall
in love
again."
....I am in Maine, but I am not in pain
because I have.
I have fallen in love for the last time.
I have found my true love, my soul mate.
But, as usual, I am angst-ridden and poem filled.
So, yay for THAT.
Haha.
Here's what I wrote last night:
I was afraid I might drown
but instead
it seems I am learning the butterfly stroke
which sounds prettier than it looks,
and is stronger than its name implies.
I am stronger than its name implies, too.
...although, somehow...it seems that I protest too much,
like the time Shakespeare said that.
To declare my strength is shouting it to my own deaf ears,
shouting it to a world with only four senses.
I am lost, and I am found.
But I can't stop spinning as I sit so still
hoping no one notices the way my smile has slipped
from the grip
in which I held it so tightly
for so long.
Remind me...
whisper into that part of my mind that holds memories
and tell me that I don't have to prove anything
and I don't have to be
any
one
other than myself.
I am still shedding the baggage I acquired during that ten year stint up the river.
In shackles,
behind bars,
or in pubs, or what have you....
You get the idea, you hear me, you smell what the Rock is Cookin'
...and yes, it might be lobster. :)
Tonight I am home in more ways than I can count.
I am content in more ways than I've ever imagined.
But.
I am, most definitely, at a place called Vertigo--
I know which way is up, but I can't seem to find it;
I know where I am, but I can't find the light switch.
My heart is still so full it aches, but there are moments when I can't breathe--
moments when it all turns upside down and I wonder where I fit in,
wonder how this will play out over a lifetime.
Wonder if I'm enough,
And in all of this wondering...
I forget to remember the most important part:
We are a perfect match,
like two halves of the same whole,
like one plus one equals one
like my heart in his chest
and his thoughts in my head
and I chide myself for forgetting to remember those (most important) things.
Those things which are all that I have sought,
for all the years I've been aware of my heart's design.
Silly girl...
did you also forget, so soon?
Did you forget how much your soul craves a pure outlet?
Ah.
Yes.
Time for a new blog, eh?
Time for a new blog.
Will you ever stick with any blog with the determination and love that you rode like a surfer's paradise on the original?
Prolly not.
But that's ok.
****
I am having fun here, but it's not all fun and games.
Anything that is actually worth having takes some work, so I can dig it.
I would like to get my voice back, minus the guilt.
Good thing there is no guilt allowed in this house of love.
This man is so good and so kind and so accepting.
Also?
Great in bed.
:D
Tuesday, March 25, 2008 at 9:55 PM
Me again...
Sitting on my bed, with the spring air sneaking in my window
with my drug of choice (American Idol) coursing through my veins (ear canals)
and I have my very own laptop at my command--
a metaphor for my life.
heh.
I feel so alive
(for the very first time?)
nah, not the very first time, but
the first time in a
long
time.
And now my favorite Idol is singing Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean...
hm.
I thought I would like it more--
oh wait!
there he goes..........
mmmmm........
fuck yes.
DAAAAMN.
This guy is a rock star.
No matter what happens with the idolatrous masses,
he will rock world upon world for many years to come.
I float, in this new space of freedom and choice.
I fly high,
no need for wings.
(p.s. Randy just told him he's gonna win and Paula's about to lick his ballsack...hold on...let's see what simon says...he's SMILING??? Wha---??? "It was amazing")
Ok.....sorry for foisting my addiction upon you.
But, hey, isn't that what addicts do?
Hehe...
Ok.
Back to ME, cuz isn't that what you're here for?
Har.
**********
I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with my D-earest friend!!
Oh, that voice has been missed.
So good to reconnect.
I have missed this outlet as well.
I don't know if I'll ever be "a blogger" again,
but I sure do hope so.
I like it here.
I have so much joy in my life now that it will be interesting to see how that changes my writing style--
for, the content will certainly be different.
Tomorrow I will leave straight from work to go to the mountain.
The snow will melt soon and I must wring the last drops of sweet ski season out of this winter!
It is light until nearly 8, and night skiing lasts until 9:30, so I should get a full chunk of it in before they close the lifts.
It's so warm now, too.
I'm not even packing my silk thermals.
I'll have my tunes and my skis and my memories of the last time I skied...
so I will smile, even though this time I will be alone.
He'll still be there with me, a shadow lighting up my night.
I don't mind doing things alone, but I prefer people to even the coolest adventures.
If I don't have someone to share it with, I see far less value in any endeavor.
Ok, it is past my bedtime and I have an awesome, long day ahead.
Later--
|
with my drug of choice (American Idol) coursing through my veins (ear canals)
and I have my very own laptop at my command--
a metaphor for my life.
heh.
I feel so alive
(for the very first time?)
nah, not the very first time, but
the first time in a
long
time.
And now my favorite Idol is singing Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean...
hm.
I thought I would like it more--
oh wait!
there he goes..........
mmmmm........
fuck yes.
DAAAAMN.
This guy is a rock star.
No matter what happens with the idolatrous masses,
he will rock world upon world for many years to come.
I float, in this new space of freedom and choice.
I fly high,
no need for wings.
(p.s. Randy just told him he's gonna win and Paula's about to lick his ballsack...hold on...let's see what simon says...he's SMILING??? Wha---??? "It was amazing")
Ok.....sorry for foisting my addiction upon you.
But, hey, isn't that what addicts do?
Hehe...
Ok.
Back to ME, cuz isn't that what you're here for?
Har.
**********
I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with my D-earest friend!!
Oh, that voice has been missed.
So good to reconnect.
I have missed this outlet as well.
I don't know if I'll ever be "a blogger" again,
but I sure do hope so.
I like it here.
I have so much joy in my life now that it will be interesting to see how that changes my writing style--
for, the content will certainly be different.
Tomorrow I will leave straight from work to go to the mountain.
The snow will melt soon and I must wring the last drops of sweet ski season out of this winter!
It is light until nearly 8, and night skiing lasts until 9:30, so I should get a full chunk of it in before they close the lifts.
It's so warm now, too.
I'm not even packing my silk thermals.
I'll have my tunes and my skis and my memories of the last time I skied...
so I will smile, even though this time I will be alone.
He'll still be there with me, a shadow lighting up my night.
I don't mind doing things alone, but I prefer people to even the coolest adventures.
If I don't have someone to share it with, I see far less value in any endeavor.
Ok, it is past my bedtime and I have an awesome, long day ahead.
Later--
Thursday, March 20, 2008 at 8:16 AM
Rain outside, rain inside
Yes, it's one of those days.
It started last night, as I listened to him speak.
At first it was just a hand gathering the fabric of my lungs and heart in a quick squeeze,
but as the conversation ended
(early)
the fabric around my ears and eyes were tugged into that fist as well,
and the grip tightened.
I sobbed, I even wailed.
I felt like I was falling down a long, dry well.
My imagination was giving me a preview of how it would feel to lose him,
that's all,
but it felt so real, so...
unrecoverable.
I kept saying, out loud, "I can't do this, I can't do this."
And what I meant was I can't love someone so much that losing them would leave me debilitated, broken, so raw that infection would set in in the blink of an eye, leaving me with a gangrened heart.
And then...
A song was sung, on the tv I had ignored during this spasm of hopelessness, and a smile breached the Fortress of Wallowing.
And I was reminded that I am loved so deeply that I don't have to fear that he will reject the love that pours out of me...
And that Fear of Loss is a natural balance to this strong of a love, but that I have "nothing to fear"...he is as much mine as the moon is the earth's, and I am his.
In the next moment there was an advertisement proclaiming that "I am Legend" is available on DVD and I finished cheering up enough to go to sleep.
But this morning,
as the clouds hang low over the mountains,
and the rain splashes up from the street,
I find myself frowning again, and hollow.
I told myself it was fear of heartbreak that crushed me last night, but...
maybe it's just the vacuum he left when he went home.
We had a week of paradise and now my heart struggles to beat.
I want to be cool
calm
chiiiiiilled.
But I guess that's not in the cards for me at the moment.
I miss his hand on mine, gently brushing my skin.
I miss his presence, assuring and accepting in every way.
I miss his heart beating just inches from mine and the way just one kiss could send me over the moon.
I will see him again in one month.
And our love for each other is deep and solid and true.
But I guess it is not pure enough to evade the monster that is Pain of Separation--
somehow I had imagined that the joy of our time together would carry me a lot further.
It took a day for me to truly feel his absence, because I was so thoroughy satisfied in every cell.
But last night it hit like a whole mob of tornados.
Today I stumble around in the wreckage, looking for a silver lining.
And finding one, of course:
I may not get to hold his hand or spoon him today, but I do get to do so for the rest of my life.
Just have to have a little patience...
Sorry for that.
Just needed to get it out.
I feel so much better now!!
The flashback portion of this post is:
We had the most amazing, beautiful, serene, exhilarating time together.
We fit like a hand in a smooth leather glove, like peanut butter and chocolate--
like thunder and lightening.
We are a natural fit in every way and we both feel so blessed, so joyous to have found each other.
We went to the opera and it was beautiful--we were beautiful!
We went to Moab where he shared his incredible cameras with me
and taught me to take some extra cool shots,
and where we stayed at the most dreamy b&b
with the BEST breakfast
whose name was Aztec for "house of dreams".
In the Fiery Furnace (restricted hiking area) we met a dear friend of his and the love of her life, with whom we spent a most gorgeous day--
conversation flowed between us all, and the deep, passionate love we all shared for the red rocks and our respective partners made us light up the world.
When you're in love like this it's like being a member of a secret club...
that you wish everyone else could join!
And then we came home and went skiing--where I skied the best I've ever skied.
We played with my kids, who adore him, and he played handyman--fixing a faucet, a toilet, a shower head; a garage door opener, a light fixture, and resolving a dryer vent/bird's nest situation.
He met some of my best friends and one of my brothers, and everyone feels our joy, feels our connection--and they are all as ecstatic as I am (well, almost!) that I have found my soul mate, the love of my life, the man of my dreams....
So.
I guess it's natural that I panic once in a while over the thought of losing him.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to make a habit out of it!!!!!
No dwelling on that shit.
Fuck no.
Ok...enjoy your day!!!
Happy full moon, happy spring, happy Spring Equinox, cuz I doubt I'll be posting again tomorrow and those are all awesome things!
|
It started last night, as I listened to him speak.
At first it was just a hand gathering the fabric of my lungs and heart in a quick squeeze,
but as the conversation ended
(early)
the fabric around my ears and eyes were tugged into that fist as well,
and the grip tightened.
I sobbed, I even wailed.
I felt like I was falling down a long, dry well.
My imagination was giving me a preview of how it would feel to lose him,
that's all,
but it felt so real, so...
unrecoverable.
I kept saying, out loud, "I can't do this, I can't do this."
And what I meant was I can't love someone so much that losing them would leave me debilitated, broken, so raw that infection would set in in the blink of an eye, leaving me with a gangrened heart.
And then...
A song was sung, on the tv I had ignored during this spasm of hopelessness, and a smile breached the Fortress of Wallowing.
And I was reminded that I am loved so deeply that I don't have to fear that he will reject the love that pours out of me...
And that Fear of Loss is a natural balance to this strong of a love, but that I have "nothing to fear"...he is as much mine as the moon is the earth's, and I am his.
In the next moment there was an advertisement proclaiming that "I am Legend" is available on DVD and I finished cheering up enough to go to sleep.
But this morning,
as the clouds hang low over the mountains,
and the rain splashes up from the street,
I find myself frowning again, and hollow.
I told myself it was fear of heartbreak that crushed me last night, but...
maybe it's just the vacuum he left when he went home.
We had a week of paradise and now my heart struggles to beat.
I want to be cool
calm
chiiiiiilled.
But I guess that's not in the cards for me at the moment.
I miss his hand on mine, gently brushing my skin.
I miss his presence, assuring and accepting in every way.
I miss his heart beating just inches from mine and the way just one kiss could send me over the moon.
I will see him again in one month.
And our love for each other is deep and solid and true.
But I guess it is not pure enough to evade the monster that is Pain of Separation--
somehow I had imagined that the joy of our time together would carry me a lot further.
It took a day for me to truly feel his absence, because I was so thoroughy satisfied in every cell.
But last night it hit like a whole mob of tornados.
Today I stumble around in the wreckage, looking for a silver lining.
And finding one, of course:
I may not get to hold his hand or spoon him today, but I do get to do so for the rest of my life.
Just have to have a little patience...
Sorry for that.
Just needed to get it out.
I feel so much better now!!
The flashback portion of this post is:
We had the most amazing, beautiful, serene, exhilarating time together.
We fit like a hand in a smooth leather glove, like peanut butter and chocolate--
like thunder and lightening.
We are a natural fit in every way and we both feel so blessed, so joyous to have found each other.
We went to the opera and it was beautiful--we were beautiful!
We went to Moab where he shared his incredible cameras with me
and taught me to take some extra cool shots,
and where we stayed at the most dreamy b&b
with the BEST breakfast
whose name was Aztec for "house of dreams".
In the Fiery Furnace (restricted hiking area) we met a dear friend of his and the love of her life, with whom we spent a most gorgeous day--
conversation flowed between us all, and the deep, passionate love we all shared for the red rocks and our respective partners made us light up the world.
When you're in love like this it's like being a member of a secret club...
that you wish everyone else could join!
And then we came home and went skiing--where I skied the best I've ever skied.
We played with my kids, who adore him, and he played handyman--fixing a faucet, a toilet, a shower head; a garage door opener, a light fixture, and resolving a dryer vent/bird's nest situation.
He met some of my best friends and one of my brothers, and everyone feels our joy, feels our connection--and they are all as ecstatic as I am (well, almost!) that I have found my soul mate, the love of my life, the man of my dreams....
So.
I guess it's natural that I panic once in a while over the thought of losing him.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to make a habit out of it!!!!!
No dwelling on that shit.
Fuck no.
Ok...enjoy your day!!!
Happy full moon, happy spring, happy Spring Equinox, cuz I doubt I'll be posting again tomorrow and those are all awesome things!
Wednesday, March 05, 2008 at 11:54 AM
Remember me?
I used to be a blogger...
Or something.
What a foggy, distant memory that is!
Well, this is all still feeling very preliminary, but I wanted you guys to be among the first to know that I have been offered representation!
For my writing!
By a literary agency!
I will most definitely keep you posted...
And?
I will get my ASS IN GEAR AND START WRITING MY NEXT NOVEL!
cuz...they're interested based solely on my collection of fantasies/poems/stories from this here blog site.
Which rocks enough, but I will feel better about life if I have a true-blue novel to offer them.
Besides, I'm reading The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield right now, and I am READY to stop resisting my fate as a writer!
This is my year...
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.
I have some news that is even more exciting than that, but this is far too public a forum for such a thing...
let's just say that my heart is full of the purest and most exquisite type of love and I feel blessed, truly.
I can't even believe that this kind of love is possible...but then...I have always believed it was possible, haven't I?
That's why I wiggled my way out of the Wrong Fit marraige.
And this man...he is a match for me in every conceivable way; he adores me.
And I?
I get butterflies in my stomache just thinking of him.
I have bonded with him more deeply and more solidly and more naturally than anythign I've imagined, in all of my years of imagining love.
This exceeds my expectations by lightyears.
We have a deep appreciation and respect for each other, as well as that convenient little thing called ATTRACTION.
Yum.
He is the answer to every prayer I've never offered.
He is the clone of the one I learned from, the one who showed me that men like this exist.
He is...my heart's home.
So there.
I hope you all feel the warmth of my joy and have a most delicious day!
Life is grand...!
|
Or something.
What a foggy, distant memory that is!
Well, this is all still feeling very preliminary, but I wanted you guys to be among the first to know that I have been offered representation!
For my writing!
By a literary agency!
I will most definitely keep you posted...
And?
I will get my ASS IN GEAR AND START WRITING MY NEXT NOVEL!
cuz...they're interested based solely on my collection of fantasies/poems/stories from this here blog site.
Which rocks enough, but I will feel better about life if I have a true-blue novel to offer them.
Besides, I'm reading The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield right now, and I am READY to stop resisting my fate as a writer!
This is my year...
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.
I have some news that is even more exciting than that, but this is far too public a forum for such a thing...
let's just say that my heart is full of the purest and most exquisite type of love and I feel blessed, truly.
I can't even believe that this kind of love is possible...but then...I have always believed it was possible, haven't I?
That's why I wiggled my way out of the Wrong Fit marraige.
And this man...he is a match for me in every conceivable way; he adores me.
And I?
I get butterflies in my stomache just thinking of him.
I have bonded with him more deeply and more solidly and more naturally than anythign I've imagined, in all of my years of imagining love.
This exceeds my expectations by lightyears.
We have a deep appreciation and respect for each other, as well as that convenient little thing called ATTRACTION.
Yum.
He is the answer to every prayer I've never offered.
He is the clone of the one I learned from, the one who showed me that men like this exist.
He is...my heart's home.
So there.
I hope you all feel the warmth of my joy and have a most delicious day!
Life is grand...!
Monday, February 25, 2008 at 6:00 PM
How apt...
I wrote this while at work today,
a palate cleanser...and a palette cleanser...hehehe...
Sometimes I have to purge some poetic residue
Before I can carry
On
With my grinding out of words-for-pay,
Words on parade,
in a monochrome of homogeny,
pictures in grey scale painted by my rainbow-tinged voice.
I must let these words flow out of me
Like letting blood for healing in olden days.
My thoughts all swirl around one man
In a teaming vortex of readiness;
My whole life has been leading me to him
Every step I’ve taken has been down this path
Even when it seemed I was being led away from anything resembling joy.
I want to share every part of my world with him,
And take every part of him into me.
We were made for each other as surely as the stars were made to shine.
And when I got home, I sat down to check my email and my son shouted for me to come see the rainbow--
So I did.
|
a palate cleanser...and a palette cleanser...hehehe...
Sometimes I have to purge some poetic residue
Before I can carry
On
With my grinding out of words-for-pay,
Words on parade,
in a monochrome of homogeny,
pictures in grey scale painted by my rainbow-tinged voice.
I must let these words flow out of me
Like letting blood for healing in olden days.
My thoughts all swirl around one man
In a teaming vortex of readiness;
My whole life has been leading me to him
Every step I’ve taken has been down this path
Even when it seemed I was being led away from anything resembling joy.
I want to share every part of my world with him,
And take every part of him into me.
We were made for each other as surely as the stars were made to shine.
And when I got home, I sat down to check my email and my son shouted for me to come see the rainbow--
So I did.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 4:33 PM
My life. Rocks.
Tonight?
Idol.
Yes, I worship it, like a fucking golden calf, baby!
Ok, not really...I reserve that level of blasphemic adoration for my car, Pearl Jam, sushi, and sunsets...
This afternoon I made banana bread with chocolate chips for my boys.
It is one of our favorite treats.
We sorta had it (and popcorn) for dinner...in bed, with the Fairly Odd Parents movie...
What?? It was super fun!
I love that show...and they made a movie where the Fairies had a BABY--the first baby fairy in thousands of years, so the bad guys tried to steal it and it couldn't control its magic yet so all sorts of wacky stuff happened.
...good thing I have kids as an excuse to watch cartoons...
Did I mention how fun it was?
Have I ever mentioned that I don't have a TV in my living room?
When I moved in here in September, I was in such a state of joy...
almost as good as how I feel right now, in fact.
I was free for the first time in ten years--
free from oppression, sure, but free to make decisions, free to construct patterns in my life however I wanted, ya know?
I was free to choooooose!
And as I arranged my living room, I saw the perfect spot for my painting...the woman in the winter night, in the form of a tree.
The colors and textures so rich, it fit perfectly as the centerpiece for the room.
And suddenly the idea of putting a television in the same room as that loveliness was repugnant.
So I didn't.
And I haven't regretted it once.
The boys have one in their room, which they rarely use.
I have one in my room, which I use slightly more than rarely.
And the Wii is hooked up to one here in the computer/toy room, the loft.
And I love it.
I love everything about this house, this time around.
Before?
I hated everything about this house...
(except for one thing)
slightly symbolic, don't ya think?
The one thing I loved about it before is the same as my favorite thing about it now: the views.
My mountains hold me close and give me the most gorgeous sunsets and sunrises...my soul is sated by the feast for my eyes.
I don't even feel like the same person who lived here before...
But, sitting in this very spot is where I discovered blogging,
which is where I discovered National Novel Writing Month,
which is how I came to write my first novel,
which is how I found my Self...
I will write another...soon.
My biggest problem as a writer is that I'm too social: I would rather talk to people than invent them.
I need to be forced into solitude again, like when my boys were babies and I was a housewife with no one else to talk to.
That's ok...I'd rather fall in love than write about falling in love.
"I'm glad you like me so much, otherwise I would feel like a total stalker."
Good night, and good love to you all--
|
Idol.
Yes, I worship it, like a fucking golden calf, baby!
Ok, not really...I reserve that level of blasphemic adoration for my car, Pearl Jam, sushi, and sunsets...
This afternoon I made banana bread with chocolate chips for my boys.
It is one of our favorite treats.
We sorta had it (and popcorn) for dinner...in bed, with the Fairly Odd Parents movie...
What?? It was super fun!
I love that show...and they made a movie where the Fairies had a BABY--the first baby fairy in thousands of years, so the bad guys tried to steal it and it couldn't control its magic yet so all sorts of wacky stuff happened.
...good thing I have kids as an excuse to watch cartoons...
Did I mention how fun it was?
Have I ever mentioned that I don't have a TV in my living room?
When I moved in here in September, I was in such a state of joy...
almost as good as how I feel right now, in fact.
I was free for the first time in ten years--
free from oppression, sure, but free to make decisions, free to construct patterns in my life however I wanted, ya know?
I was free to choooooose!
And as I arranged my living room, I saw the perfect spot for my painting...the woman in the winter night, in the form of a tree.
The colors and textures so rich, it fit perfectly as the centerpiece for the room.
And suddenly the idea of putting a television in the same room as that loveliness was repugnant.
So I didn't.
And I haven't regretted it once.
The boys have one in their room, which they rarely use.
I have one in my room, which I use slightly more than rarely.
And the Wii is hooked up to one here in the computer/toy room, the loft.
And I love it.
I love everything about this house, this time around.
Before?
I hated everything about this house...
(except for one thing)
slightly symbolic, don't ya think?
The one thing I loved about it before is the same as my favorite thing about it now: the views.
My mountains hold me close and give me the most gorgeous sunsets and sunrises...my soul is sated by the feast for my eyes.
I don't even feel like the same person who lived here before...
But, sitting in this very spot is where I discovered blogging,
which is where I discovered National Novel Writing Month,
which is how I came to write my first novel,
which is how I found my Self...
I will write another...soon.
My biggest problem as a writer is that I'm too social: I would rather talk to people than invent them.
I need to be forced into solitude again, like when my boys were babies and I was a housewife with no one else to talk to.
That's ok...I'd rather fall in love than write about falling in love.
"I'm glad you like me so much, otherwise I would feel like a total stalker."
Good night, and good love to you all--
Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 10:34 AM
So much to say...
I'm going to hit this typical BHW style and just kamikaze my way through it, ok?
Ok.
We got 6 inches or so of snow last night and after I dropped off the kids I decided to tackle the shoveling.
I will work from home today
(again)
I shovelled and shovelled and then I switched it up and did some left hand-propelled shovels and it was just such a beautiful day!
So then I was heading east on my sidewalk, and I didn't want to stop--
it felt so good!
So I went all the way to my neighbor's driveway,
but I still didn't want to stop.
Her car was parked in the driveway, and ohhh...how easy it would be to just clear a strip behind each tire so she doesn't have to drive through this huge pile of stuff in her little red car.
And then that left such a small patch that I couldn't just leave, so I cleared it all and
Daaaaaaaamn, did that feel good!!!
About halfway through, I thought of a guy who has already begun changing my life, from so far away, and I thought of him plowing his neighbors' driveways and I felt like maybe...
maybe I will be filled up with love again, so that all that I want to give can be given without leaving me feeling desiccated, withered, gasping for air.
This morning I awoke to sweet nothings, in text form...
cupid's arrows themselves could not land with such precision in my heart.
And the last one said something so sweet about my kids and a heartbeat later, Oliver walked into my room and said, "Mom! I didn't buy you a present!"
He was stricken...
I said, "Oh, honey, it's ok, just come give me a hug. I don't need presents."
and he laid down next to me and snuggled up and I couldn't imagine being happier.
And after the shovelling I decided to tackle the downstairs toilet which the kids managed to plug up a couple of days ago...
hey!
I tried to plunger it, but the one in that bathroom is rather ineffectual and kept forgetting to drag the one from my bathroom down there...
(Yes, this is all just the sexiest stuff you've ever read, isn't it??)
So after some manhandling, I had a totally clear bowl, but it was still not flushing right.
I bent down and something caught my eye...
a matchbox-sized cement truck!
Siiiiiiigh.
I don't know if it's been in there since we lived here 3 years ago, or if it got knocked in accidentally, but I thnk they're over that phase...
The toilet happens to be much newer than the rest of the house because when they were 2-3 they started flushing rather large toys down the toilet in that bathroom, causing Noah-esque floods and biblical-style wailing and gnashing of teeth, and eventually it reached the point of no return and had to be replaced.
So who knows.
But it should be working better now.
Oh, yes, that means I got to stick my arm down into a lovely, semi-clean toilet bowl.
Good thing my Valentine is not physically present, eh??
Snort!
Hope you're all having a happy day, whether celebrating or not.
|
Ok.
We got 6 inches or so of snow last night and after I dropped off the kids I decided to tackle the shoveling.
I will work from home today
(again)
I shovelled and shovelled and then I switched it up and did some left hand-propelled shovels and it was just such a beautiful day!
So then I was heading east on my sidewalk, and I didn't want to stop--
it felt so good!
So I went all the way to my neighbor's driveway,
but I still didn't want to stop.
Her car was parked in the driveway, and ohhh...how easy it would be to just clear a strip behind each tire so she doesn't have to drive through this huge pile of stuff in her little red car.
And then that left such a small patch that I couldn't just leave, so I cleared it all and
Daaaaaaaamn, did that feel good!!!
About halfway through, I thought of a guy who has already begun changing my life, from so far away, and I thought of him plowing his neighbors' driveways and I felt like maybe...
maybe I will be filled up with love again, so that all that I want to give can be given without leaving me feeling desiccated, withered, gasping for air.
This morning I awoke to sweet nothings, in text form...
cupid's arrows themselves could not land with such precision in my heart.
And the last one said something so sweet about my kids and a heartbeat later, Oliver walked into my room and said, "Mom! I didn't buy you a present!"
He was stricken...
I said, "Oh, honey, it's ok, just come give me a hug. I don't need presents."
and he laid down next to me and snuggled up and I couldn't imagine being happier.
And after the shovelling I decided to tackle the downstairs toilet which the kids managed to plug up a couple of days ago...
hey!
I tried to plunger it, but the one in that bathroom is rather ineffectual and kept forgetting to drag the one from my bathroom down there...
(Yes, this is all just the sexiest stuff you've ever read, isn't it??)
So after some manhandling, I had a totally clear bowl, but it was still not flushing right.
I bent down and something caught my eye...
a matchbox-sized cement truck!
Siiiiiiigh.
I don't know if it's been in there since we lived here 3 years ago, or if it got knocked in accidentally, but I thnk they're over that phase...
The toilet happens to be much newer than the rest of the house because when they were 2-3 they started flushing rather large toys down the toilet in that bathroom, causing Noah-esque floods and biblical-style wailing and gnashing of teeth, and eventually it reached the point of no return and had to be replaced.
So who knows.
But it should be working better now.
Oh, yes, that means I got to stick my arm down into a lovely, semi-clean toilet bowl.
Good thing my Valentine is not physically present, eh??
Snort!
Hope you're all having a happy day, whether celebrating or not.
Monday, February 11, 2008 at 10:11 PM
Beautiful nights...
I just went for a walk in the beautiful winter sunshine.
It is in the 40s, feels like spring.
I keep starting and stopping.
Can’t seem to find the right topic—
My thoughts are not scattered, they are lunging in twelve directions at once!
I feel more centered and happy than I have in a long time...
I am Me.
I own myself again...that marriage seems like a book I read once, that woman seems like an old friend.
Utah finally seems like a choice, and because of that I hate it less, but...
This week is going to fly by and then it’ll be time for skiing.
And writing.
There is no reason I shouldn’t get paid giant gobs of money for splattering the images in my head across paper.
I am ready.
For everything.
Ok, so now that my head has cleared (somewhat)...
Can I just take a moment and dwell on the magnificence of the other night?
I looked pretty hot, first of all—black pin-striped pants, grey wife beater, bad-ass belt and bracelet, hair down and wild.
I loved walking into a dance club with “Rock” tattooed on my forehead…
I loved getting lost in the rhythm of the unfamiliar songs,
And I love the DJ for knowing I needed to hear lots of old school stuff and for playing every current dance song I know.
As I drove to the city, I began a conversation and it didn’t fade when I got to the club…
I put my ID and my cash and my lip gloss and keyless clicker in my pocket and hesitated.
I looked at my phone, the flush of flirtation still warm on my cheeks and I was in a white space, a place where there was nothing else to hear or see or want….
The phone giggled and leapt into my other pocket, giving me a suspicious bulge on my hip, ruining the line of my silhouette.
I smiled and locked the car.
This place was cool...a bit of an older crowd so I didn’t have to feel out of place, huge screens all over the top half of the high walls playing videos of the songs.
We went straight to the floor and didn’t stop dancing for hours—
Pausing once for the bathroom,
Once for a tall glass of water.
The whole time my body moved, my eyes stayed on the screen of my phone...
I couldn’t feel the vibrations in my pocket,
But I seemed to pull it out to check every time there was a new message.
And...
Your words.
They trickled into me,
They shivered through me,
They rushed to my head, while the blood flowed south.
My body is a compass and you became my North Star.
The music fell around me like rain, but I was in a patch of sunshine,
lighting up the whole room.
Your words heated up—the pace quickened, like my pulse—
Our bodies connected across the dark expanse of the sleeping country.
My battery came
this
close
to dying...
and then it was time to go the car and I plugged in my charger and handed the keys to dear S and they giggled at me, having a love affair with my phone…
Then we cruised Taco Bell and I got hot sauce all over my keyboard as I willed myself to disappear into that phone and catch a ride on the transmitting signal.
Everyone should have a Friday night like that.
Have a happy Sunday, everyone.
|
It is in the 40s, feels like spring.
I keep starting and stopping.
Can’t seem to find the right topic—
My thoughts are not scattered, they are lunging in twelve directions at once!
I feel more centered and happy than I have in a long time...
I am Me.
I own myself again...that marriage seems like a book I read once, that woman seems like an old friend.
Utah finally seems like a choice, and because of that I hate it less, but...
This week is going to fly by and then it’ll be time for skiing.
And writing.
There is no reason I shouldn’t get paid giant gobs of money for splattering the images in my head across paper.
I am ready.
For everything.
Ok, so now that my head has cleared (somewhat)...
Can I just take a moment and dwell on the magnificence of the other night?
I looked pretty hot, first of all—black pin-striped pants, grey wife beater, bad-ass belt and bracelet, hair down and wild.
I loved walking into a dance club with “Rock” tattooed on my forehead…
I loved getting lost in the rhythm of the unfamiliar songs,
And I love the DJ for knowing I needed to hear lots of old school stuff and for playing every current dance song I know.
As I drove to the city, I began a conversation and it didn’t fade when I got to the club…
I put my ID and my cash and my lip gloss and keyless clicker in my pocket and hesitated.
I looked at my phone, the flush of flirtation still warm on my cheeks and I was in a white space, a place where there was nothing else to hear or see or want….
The phone giggled and leapt into my other pocket, giving me a suspicious bulge on my hip, ruining the line of my silhouette.
I smiled and locked the car.
This place was cool...a bit of an older crowd so I didn’t have to feel out of place, huge screens all over the top half of the high walls playing videos of the songs.
We went straight to the floor and didn’t stop dancing for hours—
Pausing once for the bathroom,
Once for a tall glass of water.
The whole time my body moved, my eyes stayed on the screen of my phone...
I couldn’t feel the vibrations in my pocket,
But I seemed to pull it out to check every time there was a new message.
And...
Your words.
They trickled into me,
They shivered through me,
They rushed to my head, while the blood flowed south.
My body is a compass and you became my North Star.
The music fell around me like rain, but I was in a patch of sunshine,
lighting up the whole room.
Your words heated up—the pace quickened, like my pulse—
Our bodies connected across the dark expanse of the sleeping country.
My battery came
this
close
to dying...
and then it was time to go the car and I plugged in my charger and handed the keys to dear S and they giggled at me, having a love affair with my phone…
Then we cruised Taco Bell and I got hot sauce all over my keyboard as I willed myself to disappear into that phone and catch a ride on the transmitting signal.
Everyone should have a Friday night like that.
Have a happy Sunday, everyone.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008 at 9:43 PM
Monday nights are for being...
Just being.
I was going to take a bath
But I got sidetracked by taking sexy pictures
And falling in love with the comfort of my bed,
sideways.
And now I'm listening to the Juno soundtrack....
And I am smiling at the upbeat melancholy of the sounds surrounding me.
Night skiing is a lot like night swimming...
We had shots of whiskey as we rode up the mountain,
we had numb fingers as we rode up the mountain.
I had lines of poetry, somewhere in there--
but I lost them when the stars came out and
I can't find them now (because the sun came out).
Skiing in muted tones, under the big lamps under the small stars--
the snow feels different in the shadows,
the air feels different with no rays of light in it.
And into my ears melt the notes of "Nightswimming"...
I smile, and think, Yeah...
Then I swish
slowly
down the slope...
|
I was going to take a bath
But I got sidetracked by taking sexy pictures
And falling in love with the comfort of my bed,
sideways.
And now I'm listening to the Juno soundtrack....
And I am smiling at the upbeat melancholy of the sounds surrounding me.
Night skiing is a lot like night swimming...
We had shots of whiskey as we rode up the mountain,
we had numb fingers as we rode up the mountain.
I had lines of poetry, somewhere in there--
but I lost them when the stars came out and
I can't find them now (because the sun came out).
Skiing in muted tones, under the big lamps under the small stars--
the snow feels different in the shadows,
the air feels different with no rays of light in it.
And into my ears melt the notes of "Nightswimming"...
I smile, and think, Yeah...
Then I swish
slowly
down the slope...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008 at 9:48 PM
The end of an era...
I just realized that tonight is the last night of my official run as a housewife.
I am buzzing with excitement--
or is that just the plum wine I'm sipping while dinner cooks?
Either way.
It is worthy of celebration.
While I was grateful for the opportunity to stay home with my little dears,
there is something to be said for going out in the world and being a part of the whole circle of capitalism, ya know??
Might I take a moment to interject a little something off the subject?
I hate a lot of things about MySpace--from the insecure way they ask you every time you do anything, "Are you sure you want to________?" (add that friend, that song, post that comment), to the difficulties that arise with editing the html--come the fuck on, people, just let me edit my goddamned template!!
So anyway...what annoys me the very most is right here in the blog function. See, I have this styyyyyle, man, this grooove.
I have a WAY I do things, ya dig?
I type a post like it's a poem, no matter what I'm saying;
I can't help it, it's just how I roll.
Yo.
HOWEVER.
In this particular stupid-ass editing window, I can't just hit "enter" and get a return.
Oh no.
I must hit "shift" and "enter" to get a normal "enter".
WHY?????
Dear, god, tell me why!!!!
It makes no sense.
So, like, Tom, you dirty bastard, if you are out there, listening, could you pretty please, with sugar to be licked off a stripper's nipples on top, make it an option to just have NORMAL key functions in this shit hole????
Thanks.
Uh....
Wow.
Who knew 5 and a half sips of plum wine would turn me into an irate little pumpkin pie maker???
(I made pumpkin pie today)
Odd.
Well, I came here to write about something...but now the timer is beeping loudly in my plum wine-dazzled ears, and I should go remove the garlic, mushroom and spinach pizza from the oven before it burns.
Ok, I removed the pizza and now I'm back.
I also ate the pizza, and it was good.
The kids were not as impressed with the gentle mixing of flavors as I was, but that's just tough.
Now that picky-eatin' daddy is out of the picture, I'll cook what I damn well please!!!
Wooo, that feels good!
There are so many things I can do now, it's awesome.
Like, have a job, for example...
I can't even tell you how wonderful it feels to know that I will have something else in this world that I'm responsible for other than my own home....
and when people ask what I do, I can say, "I write marketing materials for a software company!!!!"
And sadly, yes, I'll probably have four exclamation points worth of enthusiasm when sharing that news.
I have so many great ideas about how to navigate my newly reset future that I can hardly sit still.
I must, though.
I must find that quiet place inside and really think, really feel to figure out my next step.
I need to commit to a vision and run with it.
Also, I could use an ice cube.
Someone's eagerness for that pizza may have interfered with her mouth's intentions to not get burned...
|
I am buzzing with excitement--
or is that just the plum wine I'm sipping while dinner cooks?
Either way.
It is worthy of celebration.
While I was grateful for the opportunity to stay home with my little dears,
there is something to be said for going out in the world and being a part of the whole circle of capitalism, ya know??
Might I take a moment to interject a little something off the subject?
I hate a lot of things about MySpace--from the insecure way they ask you every time you do anything, "Are you sure you want to________?" (add that friend, that song, post that comment), to the difficulties that arise with editing the html--come the fuck on, people, just let me edit my goddamned template!!
So anyway...what annoys me the very most is right here in the blog function. See, I have this styyyyyle, man, this grooove.
I have a WAY I do things, ya dig?
I type a post like it's a poem, no matter what I'm saying;
I can't help it, it's just how I roll.
Yo.
HOWEVER.
In this particular stupid-ass editing window, I can't just hit "enter" and get a return.
Oh no.
I must hit "shift" and "enter" to get a normal "enter".
WHY?????
Dear, god, tell me why!!!!
It makes no sense.
So, like, Tom, you dirty bastard, if you are out there, listening, could you pretty please, with sugar to be licked off a stripper's nipples on top, make it an option to just have NORMAL key functions in this shit hole????
Thanks.
Uh....
Wow.
Who knew 5 and a half sips of plum wine would turn me into an irate little pumpkin pie maker???
(I made pumpkin pie today)
Odd.
Well, I came here to write about something...but now the timer is beeping loudly in my plum wine-dazzled ears, and I should go remove the garlic, mushroom and spinach pizza from the oven before it burns.
Ok, I removed the pizza and now I'm back.
I also ate the pizza, and it was good.
The kids were not as impressed with the gentle mixing of flavors as I was, but that's just tough.
Now that picky-eatin' daddy is out of the picture, I'll cook what I damn well please!!!
Wooo, that feels good!
There are so many things I can do now, it's awesome.
Like, have a job, for example...
I can't even tell you how wonderful it feels to know that I will have something else in this world that I'm responsible for other than my own home....
and when people ask what I do, I can say, "I write marketing materials for a software company!!!!"
And sadly, yes, I'll probably have four exclamation points worth of enthusiasm when sharing that news.
I have so many great ideas about how to navigate my newly reset future that I can hardly sit still.
I must, though.
I must find that quiet place inside and really think, really feel to figure out my next step.
I need to commit to a vision and run with it.
Also, I could use an ice cube.
Someone's eagerness for that pizza may have interfered with her mouth's intentions to not get burned...
Monday, January 28, 2008 at 8:43 PM
Pseudo-Sick Day
The kids and I had very minor cases of sniffles, but...
I just felt like keeping them home.
I do this about once a year...just as a treat.
It snowed like a motherfucker today, so I ended up grateful to have no reason to leave home.
Weekend was superb.
Had an impromtu dinner party on Saturday night which went spectacularly well.
Good food (if I do say so), good drinks (thanks to a new friend from home), and great company!
I am so lucky.
I feel so...peaceful.
So calm, so sure.
The divorce decree will arrive any day now.
I am not holding my breath, necessarily, but it'll be nice to stop waiting for it.
And it'll be even nicer to have my financial peace of mind more firmly in place.
(I'm sure Mr. Ex would love to make me pry my half of the assets from his cold, dead fingers, but the papers say otherwise...)
And then...who knows.
I start working on Wednesday.
Will be very part-time.
But whatever.
It'll give me some purpose in life...I've been spending far too much time on MySpace lately.
Filling out surveys and corresponding with old friends from home, new friends from home, and oddly yes, all the people I've been emailing with are from home--some of them live there still, some of them don't; some of them were my friends in high school, some of them I have only known in recent years (or weeks), through email.
Friggin Bizzzzzare.
But fun.
Oh, yes.
So fun.
Life is fun, but I have to make a plan...
Ok, fine. I'll just be a world-famous author.
good
night
|
I just felt like keeping them home.
I do this about once a year...just as a treat.
It snowed like a motherfucker today, so I ended up grateful to have no reason to leave home.
Weekend was superb.
Had an impromtu dinner party on Saturday night which went spectacularly well.
Good food (if I do say so), good drinks (thanks to a new friend from home), and great company!
I am so lucky.
I feel so...peaceful.
So calm, so sure.
The divorce decree will arrive any day now.
I am not holding my breath, necessarily, but it'll be nice to stop waiting for it.
And it'll be even nicer to have my financial peace of mind more firmly in place.
(I'm sure Mr. Ex would love to make me pry my half of the assets from his cold, dead fingers, but the papers say otherwise...)
And then...who knows.
I start working on Wednesday.
Will be very part-time.
But whatever.
It'll give me some purpose in life...I've been spending far too much time on MySpace lately.
Filling out surveys and corresponding with old friends from home, new friends from home, and oddly yes, all the people I've been emailing with are from home--some of them live there still, some of them don't; some of them were my friends in high school, some of them I have only known in recent years (or weeks), through email.
Friggin Bizzzzzare.
But fun.
Oh, yes.
So fun.
Life is fun, but I have to make a plan...
Ok, fine. I'll just be a world-famous author.
good
night
Friday, January 25, 2008 at 1:02 AM
Drunk on a Weeknight, Part 2
Lordy, I'm blessed with a great babysitter.
Who was I talking to...someone asked where my kids were.
It felt almost accusatory.
With their favorite babysitter who plays with them and has a great time with them, asswipe.
I wish I could remember who it was...
Anyway, great night.
I did not get a hangover today, and that was such a miraculous and joyful experience that I decided to try it again.
We shall see.
Tonight there was a pool tournament at a very smoky small place.
There was a tiny little pixie of a girl, celebrating her birthday, so genuine and dear.
And toothless Mark, who got more than just his two front ones for christmas; he looks like a new man.
And the kid who thought he knew me, but he didn't.
Or maybe that was a pickup line....? ha. maybe.
But he looked familiar, and his last name wasn't Durden, but I checked, cuz Tylers must get that a lot.
and then when I say I'm a writer, i get a good lesson in why not to be quite so pretentious because you wouldn't believe how often people will say, "oh, everyone tells me that I should write a book about my life."
No.
Sorry, dude.
Your life is just your life, and it's not that special.
You gotta have soul, you gotta have purpose.
Why the fuck do you think I haven't written a book yet, and why the fuck do you think there aren't 8 million memoirs lining the shelves?
No one cares that you did drugs and now you don't. Whoopdee frigggin doo. It's how the story's told that matters.
I'm an asshole, aren't I?
Yes, but that's just my attempt at balancing my life because you see, I was married to an asshole and now I'm not, so therefore I need to be both the asshole and the sweetheart, kind of like being both the mother and the father. Ha. That was a bad joke. Truly terrible.
But I'm good at terrible jokes.
And I'm terrible at good jokes.
But more than that, I'm terrible at pool.
And suddenly I have to pee and want some food and I want to stay up all night watching movies, but I'll be asleep 5 minutes after I get in bed, and for the moment I wish I had a man in my bed for just those 5 minutes, so I could grind into him and then kick him out. With a wink. Never would I really just gobble up and discard a precious Man Creature--they are delicacies to be enjoyed for a long time...
I am insane.
Yay!
I had something to say about the rockstar-pimp that frequents the bar we went to, something about how his hotness sizzles across the room and leaves you with freezer burn along the length of your neck and up into the corners of your mouth, your tongue dancing in your mouth, trying to leap out and down his throat or his pants or dear god, wherever he wants it---
fuck, he was god-like.
And his wife makes me seriously reconsider my sexual orientation.
They are this power couple, of hotness.
Fortunately she is amiable and inclusive and we hit it off...actually we pissed off the God of Sex by cheering her on in her victory against him in pool. I must have been drunk because I was very comfortable joking with him about the scowl on his face as she whomped him. And I must not have been very drunk because I didn't even once ask him if I could lick him.
Which is what I wanted to do.
Anywhere--hell, I'd lick his elbow, just let me touch that skin!
Ok, someone's horny.
not mentioning any names, but her initials are--
me.
I'm just glad I got my drinking out of the way early.
Now I can stay home and watch movies all weekend in my pajamas...
It's going to snow from now until next month.
February starts in about 6 days, but that's still a lot of snow.
Good for the skiing, right?
I wonder if I'll be divorced by then?
I will celebrate by buying a plane ticket to hawaii.
I have friends there--
a dear friend whose husband is forever in my heart because he knows my beautiful sister and he dubbed ME the "prettier sister"! No. Way. Lived my life in her shadow, folks, and that explains a lot doesn't it?? But the point is, I'll never forget that Irish bastard for sharing his preference. Sniff. I love you guys!!!
Ok....
I'm going....
good night.....
|
Who was I talking to...someone asked where my kids were.
It felt almost accusatory.
With their favorite babysitter who plays with them and has a great time with them, asswipe.
I wish I could remember who it was...
Anyway, great night.
I did not get a hangover today, and that was such a miraculous and joyful experience that I decided to try it again.
We shall see.
Tonight there was a pool tournament at a very smoky small place.
There was a tiny little pixie of a girl, celebrating her birthday, so genuine and dear.
And toothless Mark, who got more than just his two front ones for christmas; he looks like a new man.
And the kid who thought he knew me, but he didn't.
Or maybe that was a pickup line....? ha. maybe.
But he looked familiar, and his last name wasn't Durden, but I checked, cuz Tylers must get that a lot.
and then when I say I'm a writer, i get a good lesson in why not to be quite so pretentious because you wouldn't believe how often people will say, "oh, everyone tells me that I should write a book about my life."
No.
Sorry, dude.
Your life is just your life, and it's not that special.
You gotta have soul, you gotta have purpose.
Why the fuck do you think I haven't written a book yet, and why the fuck do you think there aren't 8 million memoirs lining the shelves?
No one cares that you did drugs and now you don't. Whoopdee frigggin doo. It's how the story's told that matters.
I'm an asshole, aren't I?
Yes, but that's just my attempt at balancing my life because you see, I was married to an asshole and now I'm not, so therefore I need to be both the asshole and the sweetheart, kind of like being both the mother and the father. Ha. That was a bad joke. Truly terrible.
But I'm good at terrible jokes.
And I'm terrible at good jokes.
But more than that, I'm terrible at pool.
And suddenly I have to pee and want some food and I want to stay up all night watching movies, but I'll be asleep 5 minutes after I get in bed, and for the moment I wish I had a man in my bed for just those 5 minutes, so I could grind into him and then kick him out. With a wink. Never would I really just gobble up and discard a precious Man Creature--they are delicacies to be enjoyed for a long time...
I am insane.
Yay!
I had something to say about the rockstar-pimp that frequents the bar we went to, something about how his hotness sizzles across the room and leaves you with freezer burn along the length of your neck and up into the corners of your mouth, your tongue dancing in your mouth, trying to leap out and down his throat or his pants or dear god, wherever he wants it---
fuck, he was god-like.
And his wife makes me seriously reconsider my sexual orientation.
They are this power couple, of hotness.
Fortunately she is amiable and inclusive and we hit it off...actually we pissed off the God of Sex by cheering her on in her victory against him in pool. I must have been drunk because I was very comfortable joking with him about the scowl on his face as she whomped him. And I must not have been very drunk because I didn't even once ask him if I could lick him.
Which is what I wanted to do.
Anywhere--hell, I'd lick his elbow, just let me touch that skin!
Ok, someone's horny.
not mentioning any names, but her initials are--
me.
I'm just glad I got my drinking out of the way early.
Now I can stay home and watch movies all weekend in my pajamas...
It's going to snow from now until next month.
February starts in about 6 days, but that's still a lot of snow.
Good for the skiing, right?
I wonder if I'll be divorced by then?
I will celebrate by buying a plane ticket to hawaii.
I have friends there--
a dear friend whose husband is forever in my heart because he knows my beautiful sister and he dubbed ME the "prettier sister"! No. Way. Lived my life in her shadow, folks, and that explains a lot doesn't it?? But the point is, I'll never forget that Irish bastard for sharing his preference. Sniff. I love you guys!!!
Ok....
I'm going....
good night.....
Sunday, January 13, 2008 at 7:44 PM
They call me Mellow Yellow...
quite right.
No, they really don't call me that.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I really have no clue who "they" are, anyway.
I do, however, wish they would quit being so opinionated and involved in everything.
Damn meddlers.
Good weekend, overall.
Spent some quality time with the kids yesterday, or rather, let them spend some quality time with their friends at an indoor jump around and be crazy place.
It was awesome.
I did not make it skiing Thursday, because I realized I had some grocery shopping to do and I sort of lollygagged around and missed the window of opportunity in which to go skiing...
I'm such a day dreamer sometimes.
Anyway, I may try again tomorrow.
My horoscope suggested that I be responsible tomorrow instead of giving in to my urge to play, but who really takes those things seriously???
So.
We'll see.
Today was a day of cooking and lounging.
It was lovely.
I played with the kids some, and fed them a gorgeous dinner--
which, oddly enough, they appreciated!
They always do...and yet it never fails to move me and shock me that they are aware of the difference between Mom's Juicy Roast Beef and Freshly Mashed Potatoes and macaroni and cheese from a box...
Ok, it shouldn't shock me; they are NOT morons.
Anyway, it's cool to be appreciated.
I wish my head would stop spinning.
I am excited for this beautiful, fresh new year.
It's going to be a magical one, I can tell!
|
No, they really don't call me that.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I really have no clue who "they" are, anyway.
I do, however, wish they would quit being so opinionated and involved in everything.
Damn meddlers.
Good weekend, overall.
Spent some quality time with the kids yesterday, or rather, let them spend some quality time with their friends at an indoor jump around and be crazy place.
It was awesome.
I did not make it skiing Thursday, because I realized I had some grocery shopping to do and I sort of lollygagged around and missed the window of opportunity in which to go skiing...
I'm such a day dreamer sometimes.
Anyway, I may try again tomorrow.
My horoscope suggested that I be responsible tomorrow instead of giving in to my urge to play, but who really takes those things seriously???
So.
We'll see.
Today was a day of cooking and lounging.
It was lovely.
I played with the kids some, and fed them a gorgeous dinner--
which, oddly enough, they appreciated!
They always do...and yet it never fails to move me and shock me that they are aware of the difference between Mom's Juicy Roast Beef and Freshly Mashed Potatoes and macaroni and cheese from a box...
Ok, it shouldn't shock me; they are NOT morons.
Anyway, it's cool to be appreciated.
I wish my head would stop spinning.
I am excited for this beautiful, fresh new year.
It's going to be a magical one, I can tell!
Thursday, January 10, 2008 at 9:19 AM
Well, well, well...
The Almost-Ex sent me the divorce papers last night.
Everything looks good.
We could be officially divorced in as little as 2 weeks.
Again I find myself with memories rushing down on me, and disbelief.
My future has been wrenched out of my grasp, but only because I wasn't holding on to it.
The thoughts fill my mind, without permission, of all the ways I could have done this better, could have made it work.
And how could I have made it work?
I could have changed the very last speck of Who I Am.
But that just wouldn't do, now would it?
Fuck no.
So now I smile again; see how quickly I can work through this stuff??
(Ok, maybe it helps that I initially wrote that little section in an email to my Dearest friend, who knows the patterns of my soul like the route to work...but either way, writing it cheered me up.)
I am trying to decide what to do with my possible last day of mid-week freedom...
Something about having a job is so thrilling to me!
I know, you guys think I'm crazy.
I just miss being a part of a team and I miss that satisfying feeling of earning money!!!!
I haven't had a real paycheck in 7 years!
The newspaper was fun, but it didn't really pay.
With a job on the horizon and the divorce cruising right along, my financial worries are alleviated, just like that.
I mean, let's don't forget: I've been a tad bit pampered the past few years and haven't had any involvement in my family's finances for nearly ten years...
It always felt a little weird, frankly.
And I am STOKED to be responsible for myself: instead of under his thumb.
I could possibly still take one class...
And maybe I will meditate on that.
It's weird, I don't feel like I have a voice anymore, in writing.
Maybe it's because I'm too accustomed to it, so it doesn't startle me anymore, but maybe it's just gone.
Whatever.
Anyway, the kids don't have school tomorrow so today is my (possible) last day of mid-week freedom, as I was saying.
I really want to go skiing....
Or I could clean/organize the Christmas vomit that has taken over the guest room.
Or I could get in bed and watch movies all day.
Or I could go grocery shopping and to the gym...
Hm.
If I'm going to ski I better commit to it pretty damn fast or it won't be worth my time to go.
Rambling and disjointed?
Who me???
Nah.
Have a great day--
|
Everything looks good.
We could be officially divorced in as little as 2 weeks.
Again I find myself with memories rushing down on me, and disbelief.
My future has been wrenched out of my grasp, but only because I wasn't holding on to it.
The thoughts fill my mind, without permission, of all the ways I could have done this better, could have made it work.
And how could I have made it work?
I could have changed the very last speck of Who I Am.
But that just wouldn't do, now would it?
Fuck no.
So now I smile again; see how quickly I can work through this stuff??
(Ok, maybe it helps that I initially wrote that little section in an email to my Dearest friend, who knows the patterns of my soul like the route to work...but either way, writing it cheered me up.)
I am trying to decide what to do with my possible last day of mid-week freedom...
Something about having a job is so thrilling to me!
I know, you guys think I'm crazy.
I just miss being a part of a team and I miss that satisfying feeling of earning money!!!!
I haven't had a real paycheck in 7 years!
The newspaper was fun, but it didn't really pay.
With a job on the horizon and the divorce cruising right along, my financial worries are alleviated, just like that.
I mean, let's don't forget: I've been a tad bit pampered the past few years and haven't had any involvement in my family's finances for nearly ten years...
It always felt a little weird, frankly.
And I am STOKED to be responsible for myself: instead of under his thumb.
I could possibly still take one class...
And maybe I will meditate on that.
It's weird, I don't feel like I have a voice anymore, in writing.
Maybe it's because I'm too accustomed to it, so it doesn't startle me anymore, but maybe it's just gone.
Whatever.
Anyway, the kids don't have school tomorrow so today is my (possible) last day of mid-week freedom, as I was saying.
I really want to go skiing....
Or I could clean/organize the Christmas vomit that has taken over the guest room.
Or I could get in bed and watch movies all day.
Or I could go grocery shopping and to the gym...
Hm.
If I'm going to ski I better commit to it pretty damn fast or it won't be worth my time to go.
Rambling and disjointed?
Who me???
Nah.
Have a great day--
Monday, January 07, 2008 at 9:54 AM
Melancholic Monday
Sometimes I feel like You are a song I wrote,
but then I realize it must have been a collaboration,
and I feel a great sense of loss--
you were never really Mine.
But the sun is shining and I have lots to do, so I shall do it!
I went skiing yesterday--and this time I took a friend.
A friend who is a seasoned skier!
Yaay!
A friend who was very patient and very kind in instructing me.
In other words: I got my sea legs back!
I am ready to ski.
I am happily sore and ready to go back again and again until I get very comfortable.
My thoughts are not the most cheerful today.
I feel...a heightened sense of awareness that my husband replaced me and hasn't looked back.
I worry that he is not dealing with this properly, and I also worry that he is trying to change the financial arrangements, the secrurity of which has made it possible for me to not spiral into black depression.
I mean, money is low on my list of priorities in life, but it sure is nice to be able to feed the kids and drive a dependable car and live in a nice little house.
I fear his resentment is growing and his commitment to being "fair" is slipping.
I fear he is hiding money and lying about stuff.
He's probably just mad that I'm not suffering.
I refuse to be eaten up by worries.
I will continue to look for a job so that I feel less dependent on him and more in control of my own future!
I need to decide in the next couple of days whether I can pay for school or not.
I am applying for financial aid, but it's too late for this semester.
Welcome to reality, Lisa.
It's a little scary at times, but mostly I am excited to be a part of the world again.
|
but then I realize it must have been a collaboration,
and I feel a great sense of loss--
you were never really Mine.
But the sun is shining and I have lots to do, so I shall do it!
I went skiing yesterday--and this time I took a friend.
A friend who is a seasoned skier!
Yaay!
A friend who was very patient and very kind in instructing me.
In other words: I got my sea legs back!
I am ready to ski.
I am happily sore and ready to go back again and again until I get very comfortable.
My thoughts are not the most cheerful today.
I feel...a heightened sense of awareness that my husband replaced me and hasn't looked back.
I worry that he is not dealing with this properly, and I also worry that he is trying to change the financial arrangements, the secrurity of which has made it possible for me to not spiral into black depression.
I mean, money is low on my list of priorities in life, but it sure is nice to be able to feed the kids and drive a dependable car and live in a nice little house.
I fear his resentment is growing and his commitment to being "fair" is slipping.
I fear he is hiding money and lying about stuff.
He's probably just mad that I'm not suffering.
I refuse to be eaten up by worries.
I will continue to look for a job so that I feel less dependent on him and more in control of my own future!
I need to decide in the next couple of days whether I can pay for school or not.
I am applying for financial aid, but it's too late for this semester.
Welcome to reality, Lisa.
It's a little scary at times, but mostly I am excited to be a part of the world again.
Friday, January 04, 2008 at 8:13 PM
I am in love--
With Regina Spektor, sillies.
This woman continues to move me like a U-haul.
But...
if you must know...
I'm pretty content with My So-Called (Love) Life at this precise moment.
I feel calmer, more centered;
yet--
more alive.
This man.
Yes, I've graduated him from the casual term of endearment, "boy", to the more Real term, "man".
I feel.....
like the beach instead of the waves right now.
Smooth, warm, stable...if ever-shifting.
Just spent 2 hours on the phone with the dear friend who lived here for the month of November.
Miss her!
Love that baby of hers.
And she gave me the BEST fuckin' epiphany just before we hung up.
Rock that shit.
It was so amazing.
And I"m going to write it down so I don't forget, and then
I'm going to go to Sh's house and play Tetris til the break of dawn!
Epiphany:
The reason the universe has thrown this perfect man into my lap and then made him unavailable is that I need (in a desert/rain manner) to learn to be ok with me and I need the space to pursue my interests and spend time with friends and--
oh, this doesn't even sound cool on paper, but it's sparky in my head, so whatever.
More later?
The newest addition to my art collection:
One of my faaaavorite artists, who happens to have both a beautiful soul and a beautiful face to match her beautiful creations!
(for the record, I got it for a STEAL at on auction...)
|
This woman continues to move me like a U-haul.
But...
if you must know...
I'm pretty content with My So-Called (Love) Life at this precise moment.
I feel calmer, more centered;
yet--
more alive.
This man.
Yes, I've graduated him from the casual term of endearment, "boy", to the more Real term, "man".
I feel.....
like the beach instead of the waves right now.
Smooth, warm, stable...if ever-shifting.
Just spent 2 hours on the phone with the dear friend who lived here for the month of November.
Miss her!
Love that baby of hers.
And she gave me the BEST fuckin' epiphany just before we hung up.
Rock that shit.
It was so amazing.
And I"m going to write it down so I don't forget, and then
I'm going to go to Sh's house and play Tetris til the break of dawn!
Epiphany:
The reason the universe has thrown this perfect man into my lap and then made him unavailable is that I need (in a desert/rain manner) to learn to be ok with me and I need the space to pursue my interests and spend time with friends and--
oh, this doesn't even sound cool on paper, but it's sparky in my head, so whatever.
More later?
The newest addition to my art collection:
One of my faaaavorite artists, who happens to have both a beautiful soul and a beautiful face to match her beautiful creations!
(for the record, I got it for a STEAL at on auction...)
Tuesday, January 01, 2008 at 12:40 PM
HAAAAAAA
ppy New Year!!!
I hope this isn't an omen, but I am hungover and my cold has cranked up a notch or twelve.
I feel like shiiiiiiit.
But I choose to believe this is just the last of the previous year's ickiness being purged from my body before I move fully into this fresh, new year!
I think I had some cool shit to say, but then my congested chest and sinuses sort of choked the words from my grasp.
Oh well.
I think I'll snuggle back into my soft, warm bed and watch Hairy P0tter.
|
I hope this isn't an omen, but I am hungover and my cold has cranked up a notch or twelve.
I feel like shiiiiiiit.
But I choose to believe this is just the last of the previous year's ickiness being purged from my body before I move fully into this fresh, new year!
I think I had some cool shit to say, but then my congested chest and sinuses sort of choked the words from my grasp.
Oh well.
I think I'll snuggle back into my soft, warm bed and watch Hairy P0tter.
Saturday, December 29, 2007 at 9:29 PM
Why do I only come here when my thoughts are churning like a tornado on crack???
Oh yeah...
maybe it's because I think best with my fingers.
It's not very convenient; especially for verbal communications.
Gah.
Why do I keep trying so hard to fuck up my budding relationship???
Answer: probably because I'm not really ready for a new Relationship.
In case you hadn't noticed, it takes a lot of work to sustain one of those over time.
Yeah, I know, it's a shocker.
A fucking new idea, man.
And I'm pretty much tapped on from that last one...
but my reserves are building and I know what it takes, but maybe that's the problem...?
I know too well what it takes...I get tired just thinking about it.
The thing is...
I know I'm worth more of his attention, I just know it.
And I know he digs me.
He really does.
SO WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS THE ISSUE??????
Yes, that is what I would like to scream at him.
But I don't.
I just smile and nod and play Pleasant/Polite/PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
Hey, Lisa?
STOP IT.
Speak your mind, you fucking moron, tell him it is NOT OK that he is never available.
(yes, I'm chastising myself here--stand back)
But no, I don't.
I wait until I've hung up and the tears jump out of my eyes and the sobs leap out of my throat and I find myself sitting on the floor in my pitch-dark bathroom, the traffic on my emotional highway merging from sad into angry.
And then, when anger arrives I text him.
Because, don't forget, I'M PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE as a motherfucker.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
Him.
I want him.
And I know he wants me, but Jesus hairy ball sack Christ!
Why didn't someone warn me that dating is PURE, CRYSTALIZED HELL ON EARTH????
God dammit.
Give me back my shitty and unfulfilling marriage cuz I can't take this torture anymore!!!!
I'll call you tomorrow when I'm not so tired. We should talk.
Uh, yeah. Are ya sure??
I mean, technically there are two hours and 31 minutes left in today, the "tomorrow" you mentioned, but no.
Not a word from you.
My hair happens to look so fucking great right now that I'm considering heading out to the neighborhood bar just to let someone else look at me, I mean, they probably don't deserve to be graced with my beauty, but shit, this kind of hair day doesn't happen every...day....that felt redundant.
But whatever.
Not that this is about my hair, or my appearance at all, but still.
At least I have a date for New Year's Eve.
A guy friend who wants to date me...but ya know...I'm hung up on this other fella so it's hard to see him as more than a friend.
It's hard to see anyone else that asks me out as anything but a weak and unsatisfactory replacement for this other fella.
But I guess that's what I get.
That's my punishment for expecting divorce to make me happier.
Divorce is supposed to make you miserable, right??
Right.
So bring it the fuck on, universe--
I'm ready for your worst!
Yeah.
I just want to quiet the inner turmoil.
Feed the demons, etc.
But...that's not what I want.
I want to be happy, I want to be in love.
But maybe the two are mutually exclusive for me, for now.
And maybe this is why I have avoided being in love for the past 14 years...
Because, goddammit, opening oneself up to love deeply just opens oneself up to excruciating pain.
What happened to that Embracing All Emotions attitude that I adopted to nobly face my life as an "artist"?
Yeah.
It's hiding somewhere far away and refuses to grace me with its humble presence and I am cringing here in the bright light of Reality while waiting for the screaming masses of Crazy to descend upon me, as they would if I were really an artist.
Well.
...time for a check-in with the Bright Side Seekers committe, the Silver Panty Liner Gals--
Tomorrow or the next day I should be receiving my new painting.
And today I got a $200 check from Google for my Ads, so even though their very content offends my fickle nature, I will cash that check and party it up!
Happy New Year, indeed!
And now, because I feel it roll off my tongue, may I present:
Poetry for pussies--
Put something in me
Fill me, fuck me
Make me ache
Lick me raw
Shave me smooth.
But do it quick,
cuz I'm tired and sick
of you.
...what?
Did you think I was going to be all figurative and metaphorical and shit??
Nah; that stuff's for pussies.
Heh.
I hereby set myself free of all my angst and all my expectations!
Tonight is mine, tomorrow y'all can come back of you must...
But.
For tonight I choose happiness.
That boy be damned--
he's as scared of commitment as I am and we will find our way soon enough.
Because he...he fits inside my soul like I fit in that corset he loves
and he fits inside my body like sex was invented just to define the phenomenon of Us.
...our limbs intertwining and responding and writhing and---
fuck.
Good thing I replaced the batteries in that one thing...
(yes, I'm as glad to see the Crazy Bitch known as the Bored Housewife as the rest of you...maybe my fatigued and perpetually-on-the-verge-of-tears self will be entertaining to someone...)
P.S. I just composed an "I miss you" email to the Soon To Be Ex...fortunately the tears and snot factory sent me running for tissues which gave me the chance to come to my senses before sending it. Gah. I think this calls for getting drunk and fucking a stranger, whadda ya say? Ok, fine. I'll just binge eat.
P.S.S. My head feels like a block of cheese that has been shot through with a machine gun; no, not Swiss Cheese--the bullets ripping through fleshiness is an important part of the image! The swiss are far too uninvolved to convey my feelings with accuracy. They're terrible marksmen, too.
|
maybe it's because I think best with my fingers.
It's not very convenient; especially for verbal communications.
Gah.
Why do I keep trying so hard to fuck up my budding relationship???
Answer: probably because I'm not really ready for a new Relationship.
In case you hadn't noticed, it takes a lot of work to sustain one of those over time.
Yeah, I know, it's a shocker.
A fucking new idea, man.
And I'm pretty much tapped on from that last one...
but my reserves are building and I know what it takes, but maybe that's the problem...?
I know too well what it takes...I get tired just thinking about it.
The thing is...
I know I'm worth more of his attention, I just know it.
And I know he digs me.
He really does.
SO WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS THE ISSUE??????
Yes, that is what I would like to scream at him.
But I don't.
I just smile and nod and play Pleasant/Polite/PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
Hey, Lisa?
STOP IT.
Speak your mind, you fucking moron, tell him it is NOT OK that he is never available.
(yes, I'm chastising myself here--stand back)
But no, I don't.
I wait until I've hung up and the tears jump out of my eyes and the sobs leap out of my throat and I find myself sitting on the floor in my pitch-dark bathroom, the traffic on my emotional highway merging from sad into angry.
And then, when anger arrives I text him.
Because, don't forget, I'M PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE as a motherfucker.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
Him.
I want him.
And I know he wants me, but Jesus hairy ball sack Christ!
Why didn't someone warn me that dating is PURE, CRYSTALIZED HELL ON EARTH????
God dammit.
Give me back my shitty and unfulfilling marriage cuz I can't take this torture anymore!!!!
I'll call you tomorrow when I'm not so tired. We should talk.
Uh, yeah. Are ya sure??
I mean, technically there are two hours and 31 minutes left in today, the "tomorrow" you mentioned, but no.
Not a word from you.
My hair happens to look so fucking great right now that I'm considering heading out to the neighborhood bar just to let someone else look at me, I mean, they probably don't deserve to be graced with my beauty, but shit, this kind of hair day doesn't happen every...day....that felt redundant.
But whatever.
Not that this is about my hair, or my appearance at all, but still.
At least I have a date for New Year's Eve.
A guy friend who wants to date me...but ya know...I'm hung up on this other fella so it's hard to see him as more than a friend.
It's hard to see anyone else that asks me out as anything but a weak and unsatisfactory replacement for this other fella.
But I guess that's what I get.
That's my punishment for expecting divorce to make me happier.
Divorce is supposed to make you miserable, right??
Right.
So bring it the fuck on, universe--
I'm ready for your worst!
Yeah.
I just want to quiet the inner turmoil.
Feed the demons, etc.
But...that's not what I want.
I want to be happy, I want to be in love.
But maybe the two are mutually exclusive for me, for now.
And maybe this is why I have avoided being in love for the past 14 years...
Because, goddammit, opening oneself up to love deeply just opens oneself up to excruciating pain.
What happened to that Embracing All Emotions attitude that I adopted to nobly face my life as an "artist"?
Yeah.
It's hiding somewhere far away and refuses to grace me with its humble presence and I am cringing here in the bright light of Reality while waiting for the screaming masses of Crazy to descend upon me, as they would if I were really an artist.
Well.
...time for a check-in with the Bright Side Seekers committe, the Silver Panty Liner Gals--
Tomorrow or the next day I should be receiving my new painting.
And today I got a $200 check from Google for my Ads, so even though their very content offends my fickle nature, I will cash that check and party it up!
Happy New Year, indeed!
And now, because I feel it roll off my tongue, may I present:
Poetry for pussies--
Put something in me
Fill me, fuck me
Make me ache
Lick me raw
Shave me smooth.
But do it quick,
cuz I'm tired and sick
of you.
...what?
Did you think I was going to be all figurative and metaphorical and shit??
Nah; that stuff's for pussies.
Heh.
I hereby set myself free of all my angst and all my expectations!
Tonight is mine, tomorrow y'all can come back of you must...
But.
For tonight I choose happiness.
That boy be damned--
he's as scared of commitment as I am and we will find our way soon enough.
Because he...he fits inside my soul like I fit in that corset he loves
and he fits inside my body like sex was invented just to define the phenomenon of Us.
...our limbs intertwining and responding and writhing and---
fuck.
Good thing I replaced the batteries in that one thing...
(yes, I'm as glad to see the Crazy Bitch known as the Bored Housewife as the rest of you...maybe my fatigued and perpetually-on-the-verge-of-tears self will be entertaining to someone...)
P.S. I just composed an "I miss you" email to the Soon To Be Ex...fortunately the tears and snot factory sent me running for tissues which gave me the chance to come to my senses before sending it. Gah. I think this calls for getting drunk and fucking a stranger, whadda ya say? Ok, fine. I'll just binge eat.
P.S.S. My head feels like a block of cheese that has been shot through with a machine gun; no, not Swiss Cheese--the bullets ripping through fleshiness is an important part of the image! The swiss are far too uninvolved to convey my feelings with accuracy. They're terrible marksmen, too.
Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 12:21 PM
Head, heart--scrambled
The crowded smoky room
can't breathe
thoughts pounding too loudly against their bone cage.
The cold air against cheeks
feet crunching through yesterday's still-frozen snow
making tracks in this abandoned Main St of Small Town America
So dark, so still
Thoughts begin to assemble into an order, digestible, comprehensible.
The heart still clenches together, refusing to break.
Too much recent scarring, too many fresh lacerations--
broken and rebroken and as misshapen as a veteran boxer's nose.
All I want (I tell the stars) is for you to reach out
just a little more often.
Let me love you before the dam bursts and all my love crashes over you in seething waves of anger, as hot as the tears
that sear
their way down my cold cheeks.
Everyone wants to love me but you.
And then I almost laugh at my drama--
you do, too, but you know...you know how powerful it will be, how strong and unbreakable, unshakable, un
endable
it will be.
I should just let me heart finish breaking for that man I failed.
That man I never loved right...even if my failure was aided and abetted by his failure and even if we both know this is the right decision, but sometimes I can't believe he's not myfamily anymore he's not my partner (no matter how deficient) and I just want all the sadness out and I know it's almost all gone, I've come far--fast, but I just want the blood to stop pumping straight out of my heart, leaking into my respiratory system, making it so that I can't breathe without choking on my own broken heart.
When tears flow over my neck the salt leaves a red rash...
So hot.
I feel like I am nearing the summit of this mountain, so
close
so
so
close.
When I reach the top, will B. be there?
Yeah...
I believe with all of my heart's broken strength that he will.
But if he's not, I'll be ok.
There are so many fish in this sea that I'm getting sushi envy.
Whew...
That was intense.
I wasn't exactly expecting so much to come out, but it just sort of poured over me.
I hope it was coherant.
...mostly I hope that my words continue to flow
and grow
more beautiful as my wounds heal.
I am still lighter and happier than I've been in years, even with all the leaking of sadness...
So that is why I can smile as I wipe the tears from my itchy neck and feel as comfortable and settled into this life of mine as if it was my destiny.
Oh wait...
*wink*
Merry Christmas, anyone who's out there.
Let's all be thankful for as many things as we can possibly think of today.
|
can't breathe
thoughts pounding too loudly against their bone cage.
The cold air against cheeks
feet crunching through yesterday's still-frozen snow
making tracks in this abandoned Main St of Small Town America
So dark, so still
Thoughts begin to assemble into an order, digestible, comprehensible.
The heart still clenches together, refusing to break.
Too much recent scarring, too many fresh lacerations--
broken and rebroken and as misshapen as a veteran boxer's nose.
All I want (I tell the stars) is for you to reach out
just a little more often.
Let me love you before the dam bursts and all my love crashes over you in seething waves of anger, as hot as the tears
that sear
their way down my cold cheeks.
Everyone wants to love me but you.
And then I almost laugh at my drama--
you do, too, but you know...you know how powerful it will be, how strong and unbreakable, unshakable, un
endable
it will be.
I should just let me heart finish breaking for that man I failed.
That man I never loved right...even if my failure was aided and abetted by his failure and even if we both know this is the right decision, but sometimes I can't believe he's not myfamily anymore he's not my partner (no matter how deficient) and I just want all the sadness out and I know it's almost all gone, I've come far--fast, but I just want the blood to stop pumping straight out of my heart, leaking into my respiratory system, making it so that I can't breathe without choking on my own broken heart.
When tears flow over my neck the salt leaves a red rash...
So hot.
I feel like I am nearing the summit of this mountain, so
close
so
so
close.
When I reach the top, will B. be there?
Yeah...
I believe with all of my heart's broken strength that he will.
But if he's not, I'll be ok.
There are so many fish in this sea that I'm getting sushi envy.
Whew...
That was intense.
I wasn't exactly expecting so much to come out, but it just sort of poured over me.
I hope it was coherant.
...mostly I hope that my words continue to flow
and grow
more beautiful as my wounds heal.
I am still lighter and happier than I've been in years, even with all the leaking of sadness...
So that is why I can smile as I wipe the tears from my itchy neck and feel as comfortable and settled into this life of mine as if it was my destiny.
Oh wait...
*wink*
Merry Christmas, anyone who's out there.
Let's all be thankful for as many things as we can possibly think of today.
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